[[ disclaimer. This article is about “busy” as I’ve experienced it. As it pertains to me. As it’s been weighing on my heart. Please do not take offense or assume I am making judgments. This is my outlet. This is where my heart is. Maybe some of you can relate. ]]

 

busy. – adj.

1. engaged in action : OCCUPIED.
2. being in use
3. full of activity
4. foolishly or intrusively active
5. full of distracting detail

 

“I’m just so busy.”

 

Perhaps the single most utilized phrase in modern adult society.

Busy taking kids to soccer, baseball, dance, piano, theater, judging practice.

Busy running a home, tending a marriage, caring for a parent, planning vacations.

Busy building a career, a reputation; attending conferences, writing articles, submitting proposals.

Busy working two jobs, maybe three; balancing the dream with the “right now”.

For a lot of my readers, colleagues, friends – busy feeding, calving, processing, doctoring, marketing; fixing fence, fixing water, fixing the tractor, fixing… well, everything.

 

There are so many different kinds of busy. And most of us speak those four popular words,

almost forlornly.

with disdain.

discontent.

Because we’re too busy for the gym.

Too busy for friendships.

Too busy for a weekend off.

 

So we seek, crave, yearn for some sort of attachment to our “busy” (I’m going to use this as a noun for most of this post, so you grammar Nazis… cool your jets). Something that makes us okay with it.

“You think you’re busy? Just wait til you have kids.”

“You work 40 hours a week? That’s cute. I worked 70 last week.”

“How can you be tired? You’re young. You don’t even know what difficult is yet.”

“You went on a four day conference trip? That’s nothing. I’ve only been home six days this month.”

“Yeah sorry I haven’t returned any of your calls… I know you have stuff going on but I’ve just been

so

busy.”

 

My busy is better than yours.

It’s bigger than yours.

My busy is… busier.

 

!!!!! NEWSFLASH !!!!!

 

It’s not.

 

 

We all choose our busy. Even if you don’t think you do. Even if you act like your busy is happening to you.

It’s happening because of your choices.

Of what you have prioritized – intentionally, or not.

Hey, hear me out.

This is a good thing!

Sometimes the consequences of what we prioritize in life are not always favorable. But they exist because of a goal, a task, that brings you closer to who or what you want to be.

 

You don’t have time for relationships or vacations because you chose to get that third degree.

Or go back to school.

Or start a family.

Or a business.

 

All good things – the very best of things!

 

So now you’re busy.

And friends, significant others, and family that understand that, and give you a little bit of grace because of it, and support your goals, and support your busy, are worth their weight in freaking gold.

I mean. Really.

Hard to come by, and should be cherished.
Which means

(here comes the kicker)

 

you don’t get to put them on the back burner.

 

Them supporting your busy does not give you the right to weaponize it against them.

It does not mean you get to neglect friendships and use the excuse,

“sorry, I’m just busy.”

Because (we’ve discussed this), your busy is a result of your priorities.

And people – the good ones – the ones you want in your life – deserve prioritization.

They deserve to not be victim of your busy.

It’s not an excuse to take people, or friendships for granted.

 

[[side note: I’m not talking about needing time to yourself for a while, getting a little withdrawn at times, battling depression or anxiety or any illness. That’s a whole other discussion. This is about excuses.]]

 

I’m not chewing anybody out here. Except maybe myself a little bit. Because as much as this has been weighing on my heart, I’m as guilty as anyone.

It’s easy to do. And we get so damned defensive when someone calls us out on it.

 

“She just doesn’t understand.”

“I don’t have time in my life for people who don’t get that I have a lot going on.”

“You know what, I don’t need a high maintenance friendship like that.”

 

We’ve all thought these things at some point in our life.

And you know what?

Someone has probably thought that about every single one of us.

 

And sometimes it’s true. But more often than not, we’re just retaliating because we secretly WANT to be a victim of our busy. Society glorifies it, for some ungodly, unhealthy, unhappy reason.

 

Let me get to the punch here.

 

You are NOT too busy for a ten minute phone call. Not every day. Maybe once a week.

You are NOT too busy for a “just checking in with you” text.

You are NOT too busy to ask someone how their day is when you see them in the hall instead of rushing by.

 

Some days, maybe.

Not many, many consecutive days.

 

Unless, that friendship, or relationship, or family member, or whatever it may be, is actually deep down just not THAT important to you. That’s a hurtful one to consider. But maybe it’s true.

But you’re not too busy.

And you saying that you are, says

 

“my busy is bigger,

better,

busier,

more important”.

 

You don’t get to just assume those people are waiting on the other side of your busy for you to care about THEIR busy again.

Because they might not be.

 

I’ve both been the one to assume, and the one who feels taken advantage of while I wait on the other side of busy.

 

I hear this and see this absolutely everywhere.

In my place of work.

In my church.

In my family (ahem ME).

In my circles of friends.

 

Yeah, I’m busy.

And so are you.

But not TOO busy.

 

Busy doesn’t make your choices. Or your schedule. Or choose your friends.

You do.

 

 

 

Often times, God is at work, and we never even know it.

Always moving. Always speaking. Always working. Always for His glory.

And we, in all of our tiny, trivial humanity, never have a clue.

Which really, usually (I think), has a whole lot more to do with His long term plans, and His intentions, than it does with our silly little humanity – but that is definitely a factor, speaking from experience.

 

But then at other times, He moves, and ya’ll –

the earth shakes. 

 

Mountains crumble, cages rattle, people cringe-

I know I do.

 

Because, sometimes, every now and then, He leaves no doubt that it’s Him.

 

Because He knows that we need to really know.

 

That’s how He makes a believer out of people.

That’s how He brings us back.

 

And you know what?

It doesn’t always feel good.

 

I think sometimes the Christian narrative reflects that God revealing Himself in our lives in big ways is often a blessing – and that His subtle moves are often Him making us wait or the hard things in our lives are His blessings in disguise. We’ve all heard it.

But my lessons – and maybe this is because I’m a difficult student and have a tendency to learn everything the hard way (ask my poor mother, she was my teacher) – are often big, and heart wrenching, and unmistakably the creator of the universe and all good things.

 

There are times when I wake up in the morning, and go to let the dogs out, and standing there bleary-eyed, coffee in hand, I happen to see the sunset through the trees, and I see God.

And there are times when I read stories of child soldiers in far, far places, and I see the hardened young face of someone I will never ever know, and who likely will never hear the Gospel, and still there, I see God.

Sometimes I’m at church, or Bible study, and the Holy Spirit speaks right through the pastor or worship leader, and I absolutely, unmistakably, fall to my knees when I see God.

And other times He very, very purposely leaves me very alone in my faith, and then, almost more than any other time, I see God.

Times when I am in a room surrounded by people that feel more like family than like coworkers, and I look around at the faces and I feel the most incredible love, and I see God.

And then the times when I sit in a hotel room, alone, TV off, staring at a wall, reflecting on my mistakes –

 

and it’s amazing that even then, I see God.

 

Half of those times He gifts me with the joy and kindness and grace that only He can,

and half of those times I’m struck with grief, and loneliness, and loss, and I don’t understand,

but every single time, when He makes Himself known,

I can only fall to my knees and worship. Because He has dared to make Himself known to me, and that alone is overwhelming.

 

One of the wisest things I have ever been told was by a dear friend when I was a teenager, struggling in a young faith (funny – my faith isn’t so young anymore but it is still very much a struggle). And he really said just three words that I will never forget,

 

“faith, not feelings.”

 

Feelings can hurt can’t they? We rely on them, and sometimes they take us on this really, really big high… but they never stick around. And then just as quickly as they were conceived, they dissipate,

and it just hurts.

He went on to explain how feelings, and emotions, were helpful, and God uses them sometimes to guide us – but that they are of the world, and we cannot depend on them for validation of God.

 

The difference between happiness, and joy.

Between niceness, and kindness.

Between affection, and love.

Between feelings, and faith.

 

And that it’s great when we feel God – when He makes Himself known. When we pray, and we feel He’s receptive. When we worship a God that we feel is standing right before us. When we obey and feel His immediate reward. When we have that fire and that zeal and that clear, clear vision.

But even when we don’t,

or maybe especially when we don’t,

He is very, very present,

He is still there.

And He is still worthy.

 

Those three words forever changed my relationship with God, and my understanding of how He works, but more importantly

how to hold up my end of the bargain.

 

 

We all can talk about the miracles that He works. His good deeds, the fulfillment of His promises, His unmistakable grace,

but I think, just as often, we need to talk about how we see Him in the not-so-good things.

 

Because, guys,

 

He’s still there.

 

He isn’t always the warm-and-fuzzy God.

The comforting one.

The one who makes me feel like everything is going to be okay.

I don’t always feel Him telling me that I’m chosen and made in His image and being used for His glory,

but I still know those things.

Sometimes I think, and say, and do really ugly things and so often it convicts me in a way that my obedience never could,

and I see God.

And I still recognize His presence – even when He’s leaving me alone in my suffering for a little while.

And see, that’s the thing-

I didn’t used to recognize Him in those times. I just thought He’d left me. So I would leave too. (Spoiler alert: not the right move).

But I do see that’s He’s there now.

In the ugly, in the suffering, amidst my sins, and worldliness,

and tiny, trivial humanity.

 

And I think that’s because I’ve come to realize that the God I serve doesn’t always match up with my IDEA of God. Sometimes He looks a lot different than what I would like to perceive Him to be,

but it’s Him all the  same.

Which is so encouraging! Because this means I’ve come to know Him so much better than I did before.

 

 

And I’m learning to pursue Him,

always,

in spite of me,

regardless of how I feel.

 

Because, really, it isn’t about us at all is it?

 

-C.

“Hello. My name is Caitlin, and I’m a 20-something.”

Which is just as indicative of my being twenty-something-years-old as it is of my confidence in whatever the hell I’m doing in life. Although, I guess I can’t exactly define the term… not that I think a definition is needed. If you’re a 20-something, you just know exactly what I’m talking about, and you are welcome to message me to join a pending support group.

But all joking aside, I feel a little bit blindsided. And I know I’m not alone.

Because I’ve been having a lot of conversations with friends and peers as of late – about where we are in life, how that compares to where we thought we would be at this age, where we would like to be going. Allow me to give you some perspective, and keep in mind, these are all people I personally know and dearly love (some of you are gonna recognize yourselves in this):

• One friend moved to Nashville for several years to write and immerse himself in the music scene, and recently moved several states away from there to be back with family.
• Another got a job early in his college career, maintained it through college, chose that position over finishing a degree, and still works for that company as a valuable and successful member of the team.
• A third got married shortly after college, moved states away with her new husband and bought a house, and is soon expecting her first child.
• Yet another recently made a big move completely across the state of Texas to go back to college, pursuing an entirely different degree than she had previously pursued and holding down a full-time job all the while.
• Friend #4 got a degree in something he excels at, and enjoys, and is now struggling to understand how that would fit into a future family life, and is searching for new career paths.
• A young family, both parents in their twenties, have three kids under 6, and are homeschooling and raising some stellar, wonderful little people – a hardworking husband and a busy stay-at-home mom.
• And then there’s me. Who did everything “the right way”, I’m told. I worked hard in undergrad to make good grades and hold down jobs in the agricultural industry so I could get into grad school where I would focus on networking and making good connections and getting my dream job with a stellar organization… Which I did.

And what is it that we all have in common?

We’re all in our mid-to-late twenties.
We all have great ambition and great family support.
We are all passionate, smart, and capable.

And none of us are where we thought we would be.

And more than that, none of the aforementioned individuals are even where they think they should be.

 

Let that sink in.

 

We all took completely different paths in life.
Some of us went to college, some of us didn’t.
Some of us graduated, some of us didn’t.
Some of us went with academic degrees and some of us went with trades.
Some of us got married, some of us didn’t (because who can tolerate us? I mean we’re 20-somethings, we’re collectively the worst).

Some of us are waiting tables at 28 years old and some of us have business cards and 401Ks, and yet, we can all relate to teach other because

none of us are where we thought we would be.

You know what really gets me about that?

 

NOBODY WARNED US THIS WOULD HAPPEN.

 

Nobody! I was given an awful lot of advice, but as far as I can tell, none of us were ever told:

“No matter WHAT you end up doing with your life, when you’re 23-28 years old, you are not going to feel like you’ve ‘made it’. You are not going to feel accomplished or successful or empowered. You’re gonna feel a little lost, a little confused, a little displaced, but you’re not, because

no matter what you do,

that’s normal.”

 

Now, let me make myself very clear.

I am SO HAPPY. I am SO BLESSED. I love my job, and the path that got me here, and the people I met (and, yes, even the people I left) along the way. I regret absolutely nothing and I am so fulfilled and so happy.

But when I look back to 2011, and see how 18-year-old-me imagined 25-year-old-me…. Well, I don’t fit that image. Not by a long-shot And similarly, I’ll bet money that where current-me sees 35-year-old-me, is not at all where 35-year-old-me will actually be in ten years time.

And I’m cool with it now, because I’ve been pondering this for a while. I am well-aware that plans rarely work out in the way that they were initially conceived, but listen to me carefully:
I think it’s total and complete (pardon my french) bullshit that we sell this idea that if you go to college and get a degree and do all the “right things”, that you’ll be better off than someone who didn’t.

I think it’s total and complete bullshit that there’s dozens of articles contradicting each other and telling us all how this study and that study show single people are happier than married people, how driven career women will regret their choices because they were too busy for relationships, or how you need to prioritize this over that and avoid doing such-and-such in order to be successful and

I just think it’s all crap.

Because here I and seven other people sit, as different from each other as can be, and we are all feeling the exact same way.

So here’s my take away from this pile of ramblings:

• You can relate to anyone around you in some way. Don’t be quick to judge compatibility, whether that be professional, friendship, or otherwise, based on situation and circumstance – a lot of us are in far more similar situations than you’d think.
• The only thing that is going to determine your sense of fulfillment or accomplishment are these things:
  • what you make of yourself as a human being – not as an employee, or as a wife, or as an entrepreneur, but as a human being. Be kind. Be honest. Be okay with your “who” and the “what” will follow pretty closely.
  • who you surround yourself with – I know I sound like your mom and you’re rolling your eyes at me but as someone in the trenches right now, I’m telling you she was right. Who you allow to speak into your life will mold you more than anything else you ever do. Ever.
• Don’t be surprised if you find yourself feeling a little bit lost or unsettled or if you feel yourself start “what-iffing”. It’s normal. We’re all there. None of us predicted it. And it’s all good. But don’t let those “wonderings” brew regret – you’re exactly where you need to be. It’s just not where you thought “need to be” was.

 

20-something me has learned that this is the time in my life when my plans, perspective, and priorities are changing. And I’ve accepted it, I’m along for the ride, and I’m enjoying the crawl up the incline and then the rush down to the bottom and then gearing up for the next incline. Ebbs and flows – it’s part of the process, and you can be just as productive in the stagnant times as you are in the rushes.

They say your 20s are the best time of your life, but I really feel like this is a transition stage and I don’t have anything figured out. There are a lot of changes happening in terms of what my priorities are, what I want, who I want to be, and there’s a whole lot of learning. I’m learning a lot about myself – mostly that 18-year-old-me did not know 25-year-old-me at all. 

And being a 20-something means you’re going to need to learn to be flexible. And it takes a lot of grit, a lot of looking at yourself objectively – which is never fun, but as someone in the above examples once told me, “I think it’s important to be able to objectively look at yourself and say ‘you have a lot of things going on’.”

And you gotta give yourself some grace. Because college or not, married or not, kids or not –

I get you. And I’m your biggest fan because, friend, we’re all in the same big shit show, and I think it’s a pretty good time.

But I’m banking on hitting my prime in my thirties. So stay tuned.

 

-C.

Today is New Year’s Eve, and in typical millennial white girl fashion I am reflecting on the past year and wallowing in ALL the nostalgia. All of it.

And I have barrels of it this year.

But for the first time, my reflection feels significant.

This photo popped up on my social media memories from exactly one year ago. 365 days ago, I was moving out of my duplex in Las Cruces, New Mexico, where I had spent two and a half years working on my masters of science degree. I was moving out because my lease was up… but I wasn’t necessarily going anywhere.

I had completed the coursework for my master’s degree, but not the lab work nor had I presented and defended my thesis. I was set to graduate nearly a full year off of schedule, and my advisor was a little fed up with me over it (not that I could blame him). I had no place to live while I finished all of this up. Since I was no longer a full-time student, my stipend had been cut by over half. And I had no job awaiting me.

I had just suffered an especially ugly break up during a time when I wasn’t the most mentally nor emotionally stable to begin with. A relationship that had never been Christ-centered, one that had grown to become toxic, and left me feeling entirely alone and all used up. I had never felt so lonely in my entire life.

No job. No place to live. No sense of purpose. No idea where my life was going, but I can tell you that it was not going to plan.

To be frank, 365 days ago, I was a complete wreck.

I don’t mean to be dramatic, but that very much felt like rock-bottom to me. I wouldn’t necessarily label myself a “control-freak” (even if others might), but I, like most people, like to at-least have a general idea of where my life is going. I felt like a complete failure and entirely lost. I kept telling myself that I had an eternally supportive family and my health and was so fortunate in so many ways, but that only made me feel like I didn’t deserve to feel badly… which I did. And which I couldn’t stop. And for the first time I understood how depression works.

I drove home to the ranch with a stock trailer loaded down with my things that day, and spent that New Years Eve sitting in bed wondering where I had gone so wrong, and how I could fix any of it.

The funny thing was… it wasn’t my place to “fix” anything.

And the most miraculous thing happened.

 

God fulfilled His promises.

Promises that I had forgotten He had made.

Promises that I didn’t deserve.

Promises that I didn’t think were for me.

He did have plans.

I did seek Him – out of pure desperation, but nonetheless.

And He did bring me back.

And one after another, blessing after blessing, He made Himself unmistakably known to me.

Early in January of 2018 I flew to Oklahoma for a job interview for a position that I really had even forgotten I’d applied for. And just like that, my dream job that I didn’t even know existed, and that exceeded all expectations, fell into my lap, and was offered to me on the spot, and I was blessed.

A faculty member at the university whose animals I regularly fed and cared for ended up traveling for the vast majority of January and February, and needed someone for that extended period to stay at the house. Suddenly I had a place to live while I finished my work, and I was blessed.

A private office in my building opened up for me to move into where I could be free of distractions and all of the ugly things that had manifested themselves around me, and I quickly finished up my lab work and my writing, and I was blessed.

Beautiful friendships were cultivated during this time with all sorts of people whom I never expected to be able to lean on, and I was blessed.

Early in February my mom and I traveled to Oklahoma to find a house – which we did, the perfect home, with the kindest and most wonderful landlords, and I was blessed.

On February 26th, I successfully defended my thesis and concluded my time at New Mexico State University.

On February 27th, I drove to the ranch and loaded the rest of my things into the truck.

On February 28th, I drove to south central Oklahoma for a new chapter.

And on March 1st, I started that chapter working at the Noble Research Institute where I work with more people of a higher caliber than I ever could have imagined. I entered into an environment where people encourage each other, check in on each other, and pray for each other. An environment where my managers are God-fearing and lead with Christ-like kindness and guidance. An environment where I love going to work, feel fulfilled in what I do, and am overwhelmingly grateful for the people I serve and serve with.

And I am so blessed.

And looking back, I see purpose in that ugly place I was in 365 days ago.

I see God letting me dig a deeper and deeper and deeper hole until I was so desperate He was my only out, and then it was like He said “now watch what I can do.”

 

So today I am thankful. I am thankful for the ugliness and the hurt and the desperation I felt 365 days ago.

I am thankful for every minute of 2018.

And I am thankful for God fulfilling His promises.

Always. 

Every time. 

In spite of me.

 

-C.