Promises.

Today is New Year’s Eve, and in typical millennial white girl fashion I am reflecting on the past year and wallowing in ALL the nostalgia. All of it.

And I have barrels of it this year.

But for the first time, my reflection feels significant.

This photo popped up on my social media memories from exactly one year ago. 365 days ago, I was moving out of my duplex in Las Cruces, New Mexico, where I had spent two and a half years working on my masters of science degree. I was moving out because my lease was up… but I wasn’t necessarily going anywhere.

I had completed the coursework for my master’s degree, but not the lab work nor had I presented and defended my thesis. I was set to graduate nearly a full year off of schedule, and my advisor was a little fed up with me over it (not that I could blame him). I had no place to live while I finished all of this up. Since I was no longer a full-time student, my stipend had been cut by over half. And I had no job awaiting me.

I had just suffered an especially ugly break up during a time when I wasn’t the most mentally nor emotionally stable to begin with. A relationship that had never been Christ-centered, one that had grown to become toxic, and left me feeling entirely alone and all used up. I had never felt so lonely in my entire life.

No job. No place to live. No sense of purpose. No idea where my life was going, but I can tell you that it was not going to plan.

To be frank, 365 days ago, I was a complete wreck.

I don’t mean to be dramatic, but that very much felt like rock-bottom to me. I wouldn’t necessarily label myself a “control-freak” (even if others might), but I, like most people, like to at-least have a general idea of where my life is going. I felt like a complete failure and entirely lost. I kept telling myself that I had an eternally supportive family and my health and was so fortunate in so many ways, but that only made me feel like I didn’t deserve to feel badly… which I did. And which I couldn’t stop. And for the first time I understood how depression works.

I drove home to the ranch with a stock trailer loaded down with my things that day, and spent that New Years Eve sitting in bed wondering where I had gone so wrong, and how I could fix any of it.

The funny thing was… it wasn’t my place to “fix” anything.

And the most miraculous thing happened.

 

God fulfilled His promises.

Promises that I had forgotten He had made.

Promises that I didn’t deserve.

Promises that I didn’t think were for me.

He did have plans.

I did seek Him – out of pure desperation, but nonetheless.

And He did bring me back.

And one after another, blessing after blessing, He made Himself unmistakably known to me.

Early in January of 2018 I flew to Oklahoma for a job interview for a position that I really had even forgotten I’d applied for. And just like that, my dream job that I didn’t even know existed, and that exceeded all expectations, fell into my lap, and was offered to me on the spot, and I was blessed.

A faculty member at the university whose animals I regularly fed and cared for ended up traveling for the vast majority of January and February, and needed someone for that extended period to stay at the house. Suddenly I had a place to live while I finished my work, and I was blessed.

A private office in my building opened up for me to move into where I could be free of distractions and all of the ugly things that had manifested themselves around me, and I quickly finished up my lab work and my writing, and I was blessed.

Beautiful friendships were cultivated during this time with all sorts of people whom I never expected to be able to lean on, and I was blessed.

Early in February my mom and I traveled to Oklahoma to find a house – which we did, the perfect home, with the kindest and most wonderful landlords, and I was blessed.

On February 26th, I successfully defended my thesis and concluded my time at New Mexico State University.

On February 27th, I drove to the ranch and loaded the rest of my things into the truck.

On February 28th, I drove to south central Oklahoma for a new chapter.

And on March 1st, I started that chapter working at the Noble Research Institute where I work with more people of a higher caliber than I ever could have imagined. I entered into an environment where people encourage each other, check in on each other, and pray for each other. An environment where my managers are God-fearing and lead with Christ-like kindness and guidance. An environment where I love going to work, feel fulfilled in what I do, and am overwhelmingly grateful for the people I serve and serve with.

And I am so blessed.

And looking back, I see purpose in that ugly place I was in 365 days ago.

I see God letting me dig a deeper and deeper and deeper hole until I was so desperate He was my only out, and then it was like He said “now watch what I can do.”

 

So today I am thankful. I am thankful for the ugliness and the hurt and the desperation I felt 365 days ago.

I am thankful for every minute of 2018.

And I am thankful for God fulfilling His promises.

Always. 

Every time. 

In spite of me.

 

-C.